If I Could Just Come In I Swear I'll Leave; Won't Take Nothing But a Memory - May 21st

When I was little my mum taught me how to breathe. Although I never wanted to at first, it would calm me down & bring me back to reality & rational thinking. N o s t a l g i a. It has become something I have to breathe through. I simply can't visit it enough for it to be pleasant. I left Arnold to the last day of my two weeks in Nottingham. I don't know if I was avoiding it or simply had no reason to go.

The green double decker bus from town to Gedling Road hasn't changed much in the past 8 years, neither have the fields stretching between our block and school, or the hill we used to rollerblade down, slamming into the wooden fences to slow ourselves down. Walking up the hill I can see the back our my childhood home, the one I was once convinced I would never have to leave. Byrne Court looks just as I left it. I can see Jan through her kitchen window, and wonder if she would remember the little girl she bought homemade butterfly cakes from & sponsored for countless read-a-thons. It's hard looking at the house that holds all your childhood and not being able to have it back. Everything just seems to play throught in my head. All the little snippets of unimportant memories are quite overwhelming. Walking through Arnold was like stepping out of reality and into my old life. Breathing had to bring me back.
There are only a few friends I keep in touch with anymore. Time and distance change things eventually.

Amy and Katy have been in my life since the begining. Seeing their lives is like seeing how my life would have played out. The answer to al my 'what ifs'. I'm quite content with my life as it is, in fact, right now I love everything about my life. But the what ifs get to me sometimes. I can leave Arnold knowing it won't change much, and will still be there for me if I ever want it again.